Summary: 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud
Summary: 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud

Summary: 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed In Love and Life by Henry Cloud

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Nine principles are like gravity, they’re always there no matter the circumstances. We can choose to work with them to achieve what we want in life or work against them and suffer the consequences.

Deja Vu people, as Henry calls it, are those who practices these nine principles and in the process getting life to work for them instead of them working for life.


You won’t continue drinking once you know your milk is expired.

You won’t sit there and think ‘hmm if I give it some time maybe it will taste better.’ Instead your body took over, your entire system rejected the toxic substance, every muscle group you’re aware of involved. It was automatic and did not even involve a thought. That’s the speed with which our successful déjà vu person character handles negative things that are in the way.


That day is coming. Period. It’s not optional.

3 years from now will come and you’ll be alive. 3 years is not optional. It’s going to come and pass, and you’ll be here. Now here’s the question. Since that day is coming 3 years from now anyway, on that day do you want to have a law degree that enables you to do something you love, or do you still want to be hating your life?


The program works. If you work the program.

If you have problem staying committed to the program, it’s time to play the movie.


Playing the movie means never to see any individual action as a singular thing.

Any one thing you do is only a scene in a larger movie. To understand that action, you must play it out all the way to the end of the movie. After viewing the entire movie, you can decide whether you want a scene, whether it alters your plot, or it takes you to another scene you do not to live out. No matter how inviting the scene, you might not want it.


It’s going to be tough, I have a hard issue that I must ‘face into’.

Face into is not a figure of speech. That is how déjà vu people face life. They face into it. Going toward life. Not away from it. When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, certainly the work will finish itself.


30lbs is a sum of a lot of 1lbs.                   

No successful person ever lost 30 without losing 1. Then another 1. Then another. Successful person dons’ think about whether she has lost 30lbs. She thinks a beach day taking her walk. She focusses on the little steps that adds up. She practices diligence. She focuses whether she’s doing small things.


Wanting it all keeps you from having any.

Things grow one little bit at a time, and it all adds up.


Closely related to the I want it all is his sister, I want it now.

Short path is often the longest path.


I don’t mind problems. Business is all about solving problems. That’s all part of doing deals. But I hate surprises.

If I’d known earlier, it was just a problem to be solved. Now I’m surprised I should have been told earlier. I don’t like surprises.


When a bacterium invades your body, your immune system identifies its harmful and moves against it immediately.

Same way, hating well can help you neutralize the enemy and prevent crisis.


Deja people pick an objective time and place to deal with the problem rather than walking around with hate and resentment.

They take it to the specific person on what the issue is rather than dumping on the driver next to their lane. When you trace the origins of your feelings to objective person or event, you can begin to understand them and sort them according to their value.


Things that you do not like are going to happen. And you’re going to experience negative feelings.

Here’s the question. Would that response be constructive or destructive? You can respond in subjective, immature way and destroy relationships with people you care about, or you can avoid responding at all and avoid yourself destroyed in the process.


Understand the play fair system, deterioration is inevitable.


Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

The answer is very simple and very hard to do. Give back better than you’re given. Don’t keep score. Run up the score even if the other doesn’t deserve it. As a result, they often bring the other person up to their level instead of being brought down to the level of other.


Pretty much everyone loves those who loves them.

Most people do good to those who do good to them. Even banks give money to those who’re going to repay. But when a relationship is based on same principle, inherent problem looms in the background. As soon as there’s a late payment, a relationship goes into negative dynamic. But to do good to a people who doesn’t deserve is altogether different matter. It’s the law of love.

Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right.


What you should do and what someone response is going to be are two very different issues.

And because they’re different, do what you need to do and then figure out the best way to handle the other person feelings. But keep the two issues separated.


Swallowing our pride hurts, but so is surgery.

It’s good for us. It’s not harmless. Getting rejected is like that. Hearing no hurts. Wounds from a friend can be trusted. Hurt does not mean harm. Harm injures people by doing destructive things to them.


Do not see success and love and life as goals you cannot attain, or a prize only for special or lucky people.

Success is not embodied in the person but in the ways of wisdom that transcend any one individual. Find those ways and practice them. Successful people are not special people, they’re just ordinary people who are connected to these special ways.

The 9 Principles Summarized

#1 Dig It Up

Practice self-awareness by honestly examining any weaknesses, processing them and then throwing them away or sowing them.  Likewise, take a good look at your passions and talents so you can develop, face any fears and take calculated risks.


#2 Pull the Tooth

Once you dug your problems, you can confront them or let them go. It’s unhealthy to let negative situations linger.


#3 Play the Movie

Act with an end in mind. Visualize both potential positives and negative outcomes. See, plan and evaluate each scene in light of where the movie is supposed to end.


#4 Do Something

Painful circumstances and difficult people are beyond your control. Your responsibility is how you respond. Practice the action of taking responsibly.


#5 Act like an Ant

Practice taking small steps to accomplish large task. Wanting it now keeps you from having it. No one ant has built something monumental overnight and alone.


#6 Hate Well

Objective hate is healthy. Subjective hate isn’t. Hate in a way that solves problems instead of creating them. Go hard on the issue, but soft on the person.


#7 Don’t Play Fair

Love unconditionally. Loving without conditions is unfair and incredibly powerful. There hardly a balance in healthy relationships. If you’re a matured one, elevate the other person to you, instead of lowering yourself to them.


#8 Be Humble

Arrogance denies failure, avoids correction and fears criticism all of which undermine learning. Humility is the practice of serving and learning, and arguably the most important skill you can develop, if you’re a leader.


#9 Upset the Right People

Risk losing approval of others if you have to stand up for your own cause. Disconnect emotional response of others and decide to act on what’s most critical to you and your relationships.


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